Friday, August 12, 2011

"Corn 'making' and other various farm lingo that I didn’t understand."

I can't take credit for most of what I am about to post. But this bright, hot August morning in the Panhandle of Florida, I received the following intro to an email from a very dear friend of mine.

Not sure I told you that my hubby took me to Kansas last weekend. Here is my review of the trip J

Enjoy!

Now it is only fair to explain who 'my dear friend' is, who I am in relation to her, and paint a picture of why, besides the sheer genius of her writing, that I was literally ROFLMAO for the first time ever!

We will call my 'dear friend' Ghost Roommate...since that IS her nickname and has been for 4 years! 

Ghost Roommate acquired her name, when she, myself and another girlfriend of mine all lived together in a lovely condo here in good old Cordova Park, in a nice suburb in the Panhandle of Florida.  So, in the reverse of the typical "guy/girl on the couch" in college... that is always there and won't leave... we were lucky to see, said 'Ghost Roommate'; because of conflicts in schedules... all of our extra curricular activities... all our families living so close... etc.

Ghost Roommate, like myself and our other roommate, we'll call her RHTW (but that is another story)... all grew up in this area of Florida.  The oldest of 5 children, 'further out' of town from RHTW and I... in a more rural area, but very well developed part of town, a top student at her private school, Ghost Roommate could school you in wake-boarding  and could run over you in a four wheeler!  She could cook a feast for 50 people, or a nice quiet romantic dinner for her husband without batting an eyelash... And this would be after, she slaved at her job where she is 'the go to woman' for large government contractors and other business professionals....Ghost Roommate could come home to tend to her garden, work out for 2 hours, watch over and entertain her younger siblings, 'freshen up' the house and do it all again the next day... without a complaint, and she would have an animated smile on her face the whole time! 

Ghost Roommate is NOT your 'typical girl' but in comparison to myself (a proclaimed tom-boy-coonass) loves to shop, knows the name brands, and good quality, always looks gorgeous.... even when she says she "looks nasty" .... says "Oh My God" more than I can count, so much that we made a drinking game out of it one night, to which she just laughed it off in good sport. (love this girl!)  Ghost Roommate has the wittiest since of humor and the biggest heart...

So when you read about her "Kansas Weekend Extravaganza" know, that in all good, tongue-n-cheek humor, this is how we talk, "here in the south" and this is her literal translation of her trip last weekend!

I would not say I am a “city slicker” by any definition but this past weekend’s events in Kansas gave a whole new definition to “country”.
Allow me to explain.
After my dear hubby purchased this land in Kansas he has repeatedly asked me to come see it. I guess it was like a prize he had just won or a trophy. To me, land is just that, land unless there is a shopping mall on it.
Almost exactly 1 year after the closing of the property I agreed to see this hunting land, under a few conditions of course.
1. We flew, I am not about to drive 13 hours (on land of course) just to see more land.
2. I only took 1 day off of work and
3. He handled all the travel arrangements, which I might add I have always done when we have gone on a trip together. 
Miraculously I was emailed a plane ticket 3 weeks ago with my name on it headed to Kansas City, and by golly we had a rental car too – he was serious about this! My first thought, sheer panic!!
Why on earth had I agreed to this, or why didn’t I give him more “conditions”?
Ohh well, too late now , I thought.
Proceeding from the sheer panic mode I began to think of the worst case scenario.
My sleeping arrangements were to be in the camper,.... deep breath…in and out.
I have never stayed in a camper before, but many people do it (I suppose) so I was sure I could handle it… backup plan – hotel, there is bound to be a Hilton or at least a Hampton.
Next thought….what to pack.  
My Hubby was very explicit that I could only take a carry on…another gasp.
Although since we were flying DELTA I was safer with a carry on then a checked bag so I agreed.  
My hubby said I would only need the clothes I flew in, a pair of “farm clothes” (what the crap is that?) and clothes to fly back in.
In my mind I am thinking you have forgotten Pj’s the hair dryer, the curling iron, makeup etc.
Somehow I managed to get all the clothes into one carry on – sitting on it to zip it of course.

5:30 AM Saturday morning we hit the runway. Arrival in Kansas was not nearly as frightening as I had anticipated; hot, not quite as humid as Florida and a few funny accents – but livable.  Our first stop was the casino in Kansas City, very nice, clean and pretty normal, minus the funny accents (again). 
Little did I know that I was about to drop off the face of the earth to a place uninhabited by cell phones, radio or anything else that would connect you to civilization.
We proceed to a Wal-Mart... half way from Kansas city and the “farm”. Quite shockingly I realized that non- super Wal-Mart’s do exist! Who knew that? What is a Wal-Mart without groceries ?– I hardly remember a time of such primitiveness.
We proceed through the aisles of typical Wal-Mart patrons, dressed in their oh-so-fabulous ensembles of rumpled t shirts and lack of shoes. I am by no means judging Kansas based on this – Wal-Mart is notorious for these types of inhabitants.
My hubby and I were able to find everything we needed but steaks. I sighed with relief that this Wal-Mart did not carry such cuts of meat – because I am quite sure if they did my hubby would have bought them just to save a trip to another grocery store....  Keep in mind this is a Saturday and at the late hour of 7pm... we are unable to find a grocery store that is open – ohh my I though, we are definitely getting close to the farm.
We begin driving through many little “towns” I use that word loosely. We drove through an area with a real estate office on one side... a bank on the other... the infamous grocery store with obviously no goal of making any money ....since they have such limited hours, and the best part, 1 restaurant. When I say one…  I mean one, not one McDonalds or one Olive Garden. I mean 1 restaurant called “Everybody’s” very appropriate I suppose....  I guess it is a new marketing strategy, if you have no competition then there is a captive market, maybe the great city of Blue Mound has figured out something the rest of the world hasn’t….it’s a concept worth pondering....
We proceeded to our destination where I found a cute farm house occupied by the old lady that apparently will live to 100 and therefore my hubby will be too old and decrepit before he can actually use it as a hunting camp.... 
A camper was neatly situated on the edge of the property.....Deep breath – I can do this! I have only been camping once in my life and it was a horrific, life altering experience that I don’t wish to relive.  At the young age of 14, I knew I was not cut out to co-exist with wildlife 
We unloaded our belongings and took a little drive around the property....give the property its dues, and I admit,  it was very pretty, 'hills' (or what I would refer to as mountains), a creek and a little pond.
Exhaustion is beginning to set in – for god’s sake I had been up since 3:30am, but no – to my dismay my hubby said we could go 'look' for deer.
Look for deer?
In the dark? 
Never fear, apparently there is a solution for that – a Q beam?!?
We rode around for what seemed like forever, to try to interrupt these poor, 4 legged animals, (preferably the ones with horns) who were just trying to eat a peaceful dinner.
Finally, my hubby had seen enough for one night and we headed back.
Shower time – ohh god!!!
The shower was shorter than me (she's 5 foot) – I honestly didn’t know such things were possible.
Washing long hair, face and body all at once... with the water OFF – since of course there isn’t that much.... and you might finish your shower with a wave of Iceland temperature water; Rinsing all at once in a squat position, so you can be under the water, provided me with my exercise for the day.
I must say, the long awaited bed, was very comfortable; my hubby made sure I had my required 5 blankets, while he sleeps on top of the comforter. 
Saturday morning began with an abrupt wakeup call... from the rooster in the pen with 20 chickens!
 Did I mention that standing right by the chicken pin is the only place to get cell phone service? I could have been a spokesperson for the “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW’ commercials!
Apparently, now we had chores to do
…hmm….
spray painting legs of feeders – ok, I can spray paint. Yea right! ...3 legs later and 2 fingers that now looked like the green monster ....almost high on fumes ...my hubby said we need to ride the property and check the corn.  
Checking the corn was fun,... however you can’t get to close or you will get what the Kansas-eniens call “chiggars” ..nasty red bugs.
Apparently the corn “made” which of course I needed a definition of.... Apparently 'mad' means it 'grew'...... Why can’t we just say it grew?....... But I digress. 

The afternoon was spent bush hogging.... which I will mention is a bad idea for anyone who wears contacts,.... looking for more deer and doing farm stuff.
That evening the old lady came outside to meet us, she was very nice and gave us homemade sweet rolls..... which I am sure had upwards of 2,000 calories each. She began to tell my hubby about a particular type of storm that had hit a few days prior.... I honestly don’t know what kind of storm it was and even asked for a description.... which she ignored.... probably because she didn’t realize I had NO CLUE  what she was talking about.... They continued to talk about the corn “making” and other various farm lingo that I didn’t understand.
Honestly I feel like I needed a farm/English dictionary, even so I probably couldn’t have looked up the words fast enough.
I attempted to make a half way decent meal on the limited supply of fire in the camper and on a makeshift grill that wouldn’t stay lit. My hubby was a big help keeping me patient and assuring me that dinner would be fine.
After 1 hour of the steaks on the grill it was time to eat.
Hmm, slow cooked steaks? Could be the next cover of Fine Cooking magazine.
Hoping to see more of these skittish four legged animals, my hubby said we were going out again to look for more deer and of course it was dark so the use of the Q beam was necessary.
In my opinion if you have seen one large, 4 legged animal with horns you have seen them all.
Apparently this is not the case for my dear hubby.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy nature... but 100 deer or 200 what’s the difference?
I do love to see him so passionate about something that sometimes seems so elusive, only attainable by those few who’s dedication crosses the line from hobby to obsession.
Monday, we proceeded to head back into civilization where my iPhone came to life and loaded over 100 emails –
yup, I was back to real life.
It was truly enjoyable getting to spend time with my wonderful new husband without the distractions of phone, tv or anything electronic for that matter. I enjoyed every moment I am with him and this trip was no different....
however I can promise that I will not be holding a Kansas drivers license – EVER
You have to love Ghost Roomate... perfect woman!

And thank you Ghost Roomate, for letting me share!!!!